Susi Rajah

How to Make Monster Wrap

On Sunday, I had to wrap presents for our little nephews and niece, who, luckily for me, are too young to log onto this blog and ruin the surprise. It soon became apparent that even in this city, where you can buy just about anything, kid's wrapping paper is hard to come by. That is, if you don't want trademarked characters (you know, trains named Thomas, builders and kitchen sponges named Bob, plastic-looking women named Barbie) printed on cheap and nasty paper. And, as I'm pretty sure those aged zero to five are not yet ready to appreciate the subtle beauty of handmade, hand-dyed Japanese paper, artfully wrapped around a box without the use of tape, I was left with a roll of brown paper, a pad of construction paper and glue. Taking inspiration from  the Doodle Stuffers and the Ugly Dolls, I made my own wrapping paper and, surprisingly, it did not take long, was a lot of fun, and did not make me feel as if I'd been brainwashed by Martha Stewart.

See the rest of the monster wraps.

How to Make Dinner in Ten Minutes or Less

Jamie Oliver can make this parmesan-crusted fish dinner in well under five minutes. But then he's a professional and a boy, and boys like to show you how fast they can do things. I took about ten minutes to make it (pictured above), because I like having ten fingers and because I didn't hurry. That's ten minutes from starting to being ready to eat. That's fast food.

Jamie, good lad that he is, has this recipe on his website. The only thing I did differently was to use watercress (because that's what I had on hand) and a mustardy, garlicky, French salad dressing we'd made too much of the day before, instead of the lemon and oil Jamie suggests.

Go to Jamie's Recipe.

How to Write a Blockbuster

I'm not sure where this came from or who wrote it. Sorry I can't credit it. It's probably not new (I'm not cool enough to get things new) but it is interesting. Especially as you consider that all six Star Wars films are amongst the highest grossing of all time, and that every tenth book sold is Harry Potter. Maybe there is a formula that works after all.

How to Make Your Own JibJab Movie

It's very easy, thanks to those fine, funny fellows at JibJab, who first tickled us with This Land. To make your own movie, just click on the link below, go to the site, upload a couple of photos, and, voila, Bob's your uncle. And you can put yourself in your movie. You will find it hilarious, even if no one else does.

By the way, this is the little all-star, all-American film I made. I call it "Tom & George W. go to the Disco". And, no, it's not that George W. but it is that Tom. It took about a minute, including registration. Tell me what you think of my casting. Genius? Or kind of stupid?

Make your own JibJab movie.

 

How to Get Cable TV for Free!

If you are looking for instructions on how to manipulate your cable connection (or your neighbor’s), look elsewhere. I don’t know how to do that. But I can tell you how to get your current cable service for free, for at least six months, with the full approval of the company providing you that service. However, you have to be prepared to act — convincingly — as if you don’t want the service at all.

These companies all work on the principle that a customer in the hand is worth two in the suburbs. I discovered this back when I moved to Los Angeles and ordered paid television for the first time in my life — you have to understand that for most of my twenties I had the tiny TV set that my parents gave me when I left home. I would place in the living rooms of various bad apartments, and sometimes not even remember to plug it in. TV wasn’t a big part of my life until I got married and had to live with a boy.

(N.B. This is the Reader's Digest Condensed version of the conversation I had with the cable company.)

US: "Hello, I want to get HBO to come to our house."
THEM: "Well, we have an HBO package that you’ll love."
US: "I don't want a package. I just want HBO. And I’m willing to pay for it."
THEM: "Well, with this package you get over 100 other channels for only $59.95 a month."
US: "But I don't want 100 channels. I’d like to order HBO. Did I mention I’m prepared to give you money?"
THEM: "It comes with the package."
US: "What if I pay for the package but you just pipe in HBO and leave out the crappy stations?"
THEM: "I can’t do that. If you pay for the package, you’ll get the package."
US: "You're sure I can't just order HBO."
THEM: "Yes."
US: "Okay."
THEM: "So I'll go ahead and sign you up for the HBO package?"
US: "No, I won't get anything."
THEM: "You don't want the package?"
US: "No. But it's okay. I'll try someone else."
THEM: "You really just want HBO?"
US: "Isn't that what I said? Was I not speaking English? So sorry."
THEM: "All right, you can order HBO a la carte."
US: "I thought you said that I couldn't do that."
THEM: "That's what I'm supposed to say so that you order the package."
US: "I see. How much will it be just for HBO?"
THEM: "$12 a month."
US: "Excellent."

For a while it was all happy, happy, joy, joy at my place. Until I realized I was watching too much television — I could tell because I was getting dumber and fatter, and had ceased to have any original thoughts. Before you defend TV, let me say that the reason I was watching too much of it was because there was too much good television (despite the abundance of reality television shows).

I decided I didn’t want to get any bigger or stupider. Television had to go. At least, I wasn’t going to watch television on its terms — on its timetable, with its advertisements. And before you tell me about TiVo, let me say that I considered TiVo, but noticed that the people I knew with TiVo watched far more television than I ever did. Worse, they’d want to show me what they were watching. Because they could.

So I called up to cut the cable and discovered, by accident, how to get free cable.

(N.B. This is, again, the much abridged version of the conversation.)

US: “Hello, I’d like to discontinue my service, please.”
THEM: “Is there something wrong with it?”
US: “No, nothing is wrong. I’d just like to stop it.”
THEM: “Can I ask why?”
US: “It’s kind of complicated.”
THEM: “We can offer you a better deal if you are unhappy with the one you have.”
US: “I just want to cancel my service.”
THEM: “Would you like to try unlimited channels for a month for no extra charge.”
US: “I just want to cancel my service.”
THEM: “Three months?”
US: “Look I don’t want television anymore. There is nothing you can offer me to make me change my mind. Please, just cut me off.”
THEM: “I can’t.”
US: “You can’t?
THEM: “I’ll have to put you through to my supervisor.”
US: “You’re kidding.”
Them: “No, Ma’am.”

Pause, with hold music.

US: “Hello, I’d like to discontinue my service, please.”
SUPERVISOR OF THEM: “Is there a problem with your service?”
US: “The person who put me through didn’t explain anything did they?”
SUPERVISOR OF THEM: “No.”
US: “I’m going to say this as clearly as I can. I want to stop my service. It has nothing to do with the quality of the service. And there is nothing you can offer me to make me want to continue with it. The service is fine, I just don’t want it anymore.”
SUPERVISOR OF THEM: “I see here you have an a la carte service. Would you like to try six months of unlimited channels for no extra charge.”
US: “Your underling already tried that.”
SUPERVISOR OF THEM: “We can match any offer any one of our competitors has made to you.”
US: “Now, listen very carefully. There is no competitor. I am not going to a competitor. I’m going to try life without TV.”
SUPERVISOR OF THEM: “We can offer you a better rate.”
US: “This is not about money. I object to television. People have been entertained into a state of complete apathy in which you can tell them anything and pass it off as fact, or do anything you want to them without them noticing. Until that changes, I don’t want to watch television.”
SUPERVISOR OF THEM: “How about we just leave the service on for a month or two, at no charge, in case you change your mind.”
US: “I’m not going to change my mind.”
SUPERVISOR OF THEM: “How about we give you six months of free service. You pretend that it's turned off but it’ll be there in case you miss it.”
US: “No. No. No.”
SUPERVISOR OF THEM: “How about—”
US: “I just want it turned off. This isn’t about money. I’m making a decision to improve my life.”
SUPERVISOR OF THEM: “There’s nothing I can do to change your mind?”
US: “No.”
SUPERVISOR OF THEM: “Okay, then.”
US: “Finally. Thank you. Who knew it would be this hard?”
SUPERVISOR OF THEM: “I used to be a school teacher and I agree with you about television. It’s taking healthy children and turning them into morons.”
US: “You agree with me?”
THEM: “I don’t let my kids watch television.”
US: “Then, why—”
THEM: “It’s my job. Is there anything else I can help you with today?”
US: “No, that’s it.”
THEM: “Well, be sure to think of us if you ever decide to watch television again.”

If you just say “yes” where I said “no”, bingo, six months of free cable. Or you could say what I did and not pay anything for television for six years. So far.

Copyright © 2007 by Susi Rajah

How to Write a Novel

Um, yeah, right, like after writing one novel I'm able to tell anyone how it's done. When I get the hang of this novel-writing business, I will share my wisdom. But until I get some of my own, I will share my former writing teacher's wisdom. He knows much more about this than I do. And, conveniently, he's written it down here:

Tim's Writer's Resources

How to “Have a Nice Day!”

One of the things nobody tells you before you move to the US is that, once you are here, people, complete strangers, completely unprovoked, will tell you to “have a nice day”. But not one of them will tell you how. And if you ask, they look at you blankly, or else ignore you in the hope you’ll go away. In some cases, they might hand you a pamphlet about Jesus, who, let’s face it, had a pretty horrible day in the end.

Occasionally, you will get an honest — and exasperated — soul, who will tell you that it was just an expression and that they didn’t really mean it and would you please bugger off. Only Americans don’t say “bugger off” because it isn’t politically correct. I suppose that's because buggering is an activity that not everyone takes part in so some people may feel left out. So it is more likely they will be more polite and say “fuck off”.

As no one would tell me how to have a nice day, I’ve had to work it out on my own over the years and I’ve done so through the use of other commonly used expressions that I don't really understand. Here is how to make your day nicer:

Get up on the right side of bed. Everybody knows that there is a right side and a wrong side of bed. No one, however, knows which side is which. And once you think you have it figured out, at least for your bed, the sides will magically switch and keep switching until you buy a new bed, at which point the whole process starts over. So, if you think you may have woken up on the wrong side of bed, go back to bed, take a little nap for an hour or so and try getting up again. Keep trying until you feel better. At the very least you’ll be rested and well-rested people have nicer days than tired people. Tired people have nicer nights.

Don’t cry over spilt milk. In fact, don’t drink milk at all. Don’t keep any milk in your house and then you will never spill any and be tempted to cry. You don’t need the calories and growth hormones anyway. Take a calcium pill instead. If you spill those you can just pick them up off the floor and put them back in the bottle and no one will be the wiser.

Don’t rock the boat. Everyone will get seasick. There’ll be vomit everywhere and you’ll have to clean it up.

Put on a happy face. Smile. At everyone. Except for people on the subway, and that guy on the corner who sometimes pulls his pants down to show you his pee-pee, and that shouting guy, and that scary man with the sign who told you were going to hell because you aren’t Roman Catholic — okay, I may need to rethink this one.

Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill. I disagree. If you know how to make a mountain out of a molehill, you should do it and sell the dirt to Dubai or Hong Kong or Singapore or some other place making reclaimed land to build resorts on, then you can retire rich enough to make every day a nice day.

Don’t put all your eggs in one basket. It makes them easier to steal, drop, or sit on. Do as the Easter bunny does and hide them all over the house and garden.

Look on the bright side. This is just common sense. Turn the lights on. That way there’s less chance of you stumbling over something, hurting your knee and then being mean to people because your knee hurts. Being mean to people makes them mean back. Just make sure you’ve changed all your bulbs over to the energy-saving kind. Because if the polar icecaps melt and it brings on another ice age, most of us will die and for the few of us that don’t there’ll be no nice days for thousands, maybe millions, of years.

Have a nice day. I mean it.

How to "Have a Nice Day!"
Copyright © 2007 by Susi Rajah