Sydney Welles

More Warning Labels

Dear God,

And while you’re at it, how about a warning label for guns? I suggest the following.

Warning: The Surgeon General Has Determined That Being Shot Is Dangerous To Your Health.

Or this?

Warning: Being Shot While Pregnant May Result In Fetal Injury.

Or this?

Warning: Shooting Causes Great Big Holes In People.

Then again, the NRA says guns don’t kill people. Which is a very odd thing, because whenever people really want to kill each other, as in the case of war, they always take guns along. Maybe the NRA are like those Right To Life people who claim all life is sacred but then go around killing people—they just don’t get hung up on the technicalities. Although, technically, the NRA are right. Guns don’t kill people, bullets do. Perhaps a teeny tiny warning sticker ought to go on the bullets.

Surgeon General's Warning: May Cause Death.

Though, at the speeds bullets travel, it might be a bit too hard to read until it’s too late.

Best,
Sydney

Warning Labels Required On Earth

Dear God,

It’s been nearly two months since I last wrote to you about global warming, and not much has happened. By that I mean you haven’t done a thing. Judging from the number of them still driving SUVs, people still haven’t figured out that saving our ecosystem is not about saving trees or polar bears but about saving themselves.

Creationists, for example, just want everyone to believe that you created the earth—they don’t seem at all interested in saving it. Fundamentalists don’t care what dies or blows up as long as they can claim that they are right and everyone else is wrong. And conservatives don’t seem to be conserving anything.

It all reminds me of that joke where one person asks another, “Do you think there’s intelligent life on other planets?” and gets the answer, “No. Why should other planets be any different from earth?”

Environmentalists may be the only people on earth that place saving the human race above purchasing a flat screen TV on their life goal lists. Looks like it’s up to you to help the greenies. They need help. They don’t have any guns or other weapons. People don’t feel obligated to take them seriously.

But I realize that with the war in Iraq and all, you’re pretty busy these days. And I can only imagine how tiring it must be when you have to fight on both sides of every war. So I have a simple suggestion for you.

There are warning labels on cigarettes. There are warnings on bottles of alcohol. What about warning labels for nature?

Here is a suggestion for the hole in the ozone layer.

Warning: Holes Up Here Cause Skin Cancer And May Complicate Life On Earth.

Oh, and here’s one for trees.

Warning: Chopping Down Trees And Turning Them Into Celebrity Magazines Greatly Reduces The Amount Of Oxygen Available. By The Way, The Surgeon General Said To Tell You That A Lack Of Oxygen Causes You To Die.

And a general warning you could place somewhere on the planet so we can see it from space.

Supreme Being's Warning: Earth Is The Only Planet You Have. Mess It Up And, Well … You Know What Happened To The Dinosaurs.

You get the idea. How about it?

Warm Regards (it’s kinda hot down here),
Sydney Welles